Nearly Two Years Later.

I remember the day like no other. Years before I didn't believe what I had heard when the twin towers fell, until the evidence was live on the television. Even years before that when the Oklahoma City federal building was bombed it again was evidenced by the television. Both events I could run from because I wasn't there, and though both events were tragic, there effects did not impact my family unit. I remember not being able to breathe and wanting to die too. I don't know how to explain the type of loss I felt right away. I felt lost and on my own for the first time. For as long as I could remember I was always in the shadows and after everything happened I was exposed. I broke down several times and wrote a letter to my best friend telling her about my issues. I cried out for help many times growing up, but my mom always seemed to be busy with my brother. This created a lot of rifts between my mom and I and for a while it seemed those rifts were going to stay. I think a lot has changed in two years. I feel like I've done a lot of growing up. I think that I can say I know what I want for me and what I want in life. I want to be happy, I want to know that I'm loved, I want someone I can lean on and someone who supports me. I have someone who loves me greatly and to a fault. What I think I need to do is love myself. I still feel like that hurt and misunderstood little girl sometimes who only wants her feelings to be validated. I was recently asked to describe my brother to someone who never knew him. Determined was the first thing that came to mind. Terminal illnesses often test just how determined an individual can be. In the years before my brothers passing there were less and less times we got to talk but when we did, it was never about how sick he was, those conversations were very much avoided. How we choose to remember individuals can either aid in the healing process of make the process more difficult. I think that has the years pass determined will always be the first thing I say when asked. The second word I used was observant. Their were things that he'd notice that no one else in the room would. Often people who don't say much notice more then those who talk a lot. I think that if I hadn't had this experience in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today. It's like the ending of A walk to Remember; we (my mom and I) are were his blessing. If I had to change anything it would be the way in which I dealt with the pain I was feeling, or the lack of feeling I was exhibiting. Often times I just felt like screaming why! I cut my self, I starved myself, and I purged all in an attempt to avoid doing just that. I didn't develop appropriate coping skills and it's effecting me still to this day. I purged now last night and no one will know but me. I hate it and love it at the same time. How can no one around me, not know I'm doing this to myself? Am I hiding it that well? It's really frustrating. I'm going to my hometown in 11 days! That should mean 1. exercise every day, 2. no eating after 9 and 3. no soda, energy drinks, juice, just water and coffee. ....I know it's been a while and I apologize that my posts now are far and in between and that I talk about the same things!