Feeling angry....

The saga of J and I is over, but the rumors aren't. I wish that if someone was going to talk about me behind my back that they would be willing to say something to my face as well. Apparently that's too hard to do. I hate bitches!

The saga continues...

The following is going to be a letter. I have to put my feelings somewhere and I guess here is the safest place for them. Dear Jacob, If you knew what I wanted say to you the other night then you might not hate me so much. I still want to be your friend, even after what you and others said about me. What you said and what others have said hurt to hear. I have struggled in the past year with more then my morality. I have struggled with an eating disorder in which I trusted you with. I fear that I can no longer trust you and that what I have said to others may not have been kept secret either. I hate to see you unhappy. I have in your words "played the field" and acted in a despicable fashion. It is unfair that much of the information I've received has of late so blatantly was hidden from me. It's one thing to be angry and another to lash out at me and other people. I'd appreciate if you left your friends out of it because believe it or not I don't have the same advantage you do. I hope you realize I'm a strong person and even though I've made a lot of mistakes It doesn't make me a horrible person.

Dreams

It's been so long, because the internet is no longer available where I live and as of late I've been sick and tired. I caught a cold and work stops for no one including me. Thought I'd never be as hard of a worker as I've turned out to be. A lot has happened and it has indeed turned into something of a "twilight saga". I am not very observant when it comes to the things around me or who is around me at times. It wasn't until recently like two months ago that I realized a co-worker had something for me. He's similar in ways to my now fiance but very different in other ways. Has coincidence would have it his name is also Jacob. I'm torn in a lot of ways like Bella was, it's like night and day with two people that mean a lot to me. I like that one is young and free and doesn't have a problem with drinking alcohol. I like my fiance who is a great provider and is realistic about life though too. I don't like the unknown and a lot is unknown with the one who has something for me. We've hung out in the company of a mutual friend and it's been great. I want the sociability I have with Jacob that I don't have with Jason. Jason likes solidarity and in solidarity I find nothing but loneliness. I need a lot of stimuli to be happy. I hate routine, I love spontaneity. Age slows some people down, and I don't feel at nearly 26 I should be slowing down anytime soon. Jason is 37 and it's a real downer when he's tired all the time! I'm frustrated with the lack of respect I receive when it comes to the basics of living with someone. We both have full time jobs and because mine is the lesser of the two I have been appropriated the house maid. It makes me mad. So mad in fact at times that I don't feel like going home. I want to feel like I mean something more then the bitch whose doing his laundry; because that's how I feel, the bitch and not in a good way. I'm not sure that I would have written my dreams down if it weren't for the fact that I dreamed 2 completely different dreams in one night. My first dream had a lot of different things happen it it. I ended up in my car for whatever reason at night with my fiance. My fiance ended up driving my car with my in it. For whatever reason he drove it into a lake. I'm not sure how we ended up on the dock but we did. We watched my car sink and then eventually went after it. After trying to find it we found a car. I tried to use my same car key to start the other car we found. It didn't work. My second dream had my deceased brother in it. It has a back story to it that until now I hadn't given much though to. About 5 years before is passing he had, had a feeding tube put in. This ultimately helped him and prolonged his life. It was a challenge to convince my brother but he did accept that it was for the best. In my dream I was still trying to convince my brother if he didn't start eating more my mom and I would have no choice but to commit him to a mental health hospital. In the end he did get committed. On a subsequent visit to see him I made a point about something and got into a conversation about it with a doctor overseeing my brothers case. The doctor looked like my old professor. I don't remember what I made a point about or what I told the doctor. I've maintained a weight of 129 now for a couple of months so I'm happy for now. I went down a size. I'm getting a gym membership next week. Night lovelies... yes I'm still ALIVE.

I cant win!

My friends and family back home keep telling me that I've changed. Changed into what? I've grown up. It is and isn't that simple. I am frustrated and bemused at the same time. On the one hand I have a best friend who I don't know anymore and a mother who is just fucking crazy. Neither one of them see anything good coming out of me being in Vermont and I've nearly had it with both. Since when does posting a message about stability a slap in the face! If I were entirely honest about my best friends wedding I'd say that the person she intends to marry isn't good enough for her. I'd also say that I hate her choice of wedding colors and that she's not going to get a dime from her family to help her! If she really needs money for her wedding she should take a look at what she does and doesn't need; i.e. cable. I'm being pulled in two different directions; my friends and family and then my fiance. Since I'm on the subject of honesty why not talk about my mother. My mother is an angry, lazy, selfish person who drives me nuts. She hurts people without even realizing it. Her outburst are child-like and embarrassing. I wish that she understood that life is what you make of it. That to a decree "those people" with vehicles, nice houses and a disposable income are mostly hardworking individuals. I wish that she understood being angry all the time is a downer. I wish that she tried to make an effort when it comes to understanding my loss when it comes to my brother. I wish that she understood in order to be heard you don't have to yell. I am not a child and I refuse to act like one. If screaming were an option it would be my first. The second and third options are not mentally stable ones. I wish that they had some sort of clue how fragile I am in some respects. For God sake I don't think an eating disorder is even on their radar. I hate that I love food. I hate that I've gotten used to purging. I hate that I know what to eat so that it comes up easier. I hate that I don't like myself. I hate that I think I'm fat and that I can't stare in the mirror for more then a minute. I've only had one person tell me they can read me like a book. If my pages are so readable then why are the ones those closest to me able to read blank? I remember being sickest in the summer of last year and purging to the point my nose bled and yet here I still am, my family and friends nearly clueless. I'm starting to go back to old habits and I'm not sure what's going to happen next.

Nearly Two Years Later.

I remember the day like no other. Years before I didn't believe what I had heard when the twin towers fell, until the evidence was live on the television. Even years before that when the Oklahoma City federal building was bombed it again was evidenced by the television. Both events I could run from because I wasn't there, and though both events were tragic, there effects did not impact my family unit. I remember not being able to breathe and wanting to die too. I don't know how to explain the type of loss I felt right away. I felt lost and on my own for the first time. For as long as I could remember I was always in the shadows and after everything happened I was exposed. I broke down several times and wrote a letter to my best friend telling her about my issues. I cried out for help many times growing up, but my mom always seemed to be busy with my brother. This created a lot of rifts between my mom and I and for a while it seemed those rifts were going to stay. I think a lot has changed in two years. I feel like I've done a lot of growing up. I think that I can say I know what I want for me and what I want in life. I want to be happy, I want to know that I'm loved, I want someone I can lean on and someone who supports me. I have someone who loves me greatly and to a fault. What I think I need to do is love myself. I still feel like that hurt and misunderstood little girl sometimes who only wants her feelings to be validated. I was recently asked to describe my brother to someone who never knew him. Determined was the first thing that came to mind. Terminal illnesses often test just how determined an individual can be. In the years before my brothers passing there were less and less times we got to talk but when we did, it was never about how sick he was, those conversations were very much avoided. How we choose to remember individuals can either aid in the healing process of make the process more difficult. I think that has the years pass determined will always be the first thing I say when asked. The second word I used was observant. Their were things that he'd notice that no one else in the room would. Often people who don't say much notice more then those who talk a lot. I think that if I hadn't had this experience in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today. It's like the ending of A walk to Remember; we (my mom and I) are were his blessing. If I had to change anything it would be the way in which I dealt with the pain I was feeling, or the lack of feeling I was exhibiting. Often times I just felt like screaming why! I cut my self, I starved myself, and I purged all in an attempt to avoid doing just that. I didn't develop appropriate coping skills and it's effecting me still to this day. I purged now last night and no one will know but me. I hate it and love it at the same time. How can no one around me, not know I'm doing this to myself? Am I hiding it that well? It's really frustrating. I'm going to my hometown in 11 days! That should mean 1. exercise every day, 2. no eating after 9 and 3. no soda, energy drinks, juice, just water and coffee. ....I know it's been a while and I apologize that my posts now are far and in between and that I talk about the same things!

Connections

In someway each person makes an imprint on another intentionally or unintentionally. I feel a connection with two people in my life at the moment. One of these individuals seems to have in an odd way figured me out. I'm an open book someone I knew once said, and it's true. I hate that I can be read by people who don't know who I really am- but to those who know me I can fool. I have an addiction like this person who can read me, but doesn't know me. I feel intrigued about this person-he's a hurt person, a big talker, a drug addicts, a black sheep etc. I don't take drugs, but I use my vitamins like a drug- and to get a euphoric feelings I purge. The other person is my sister in law, her behaviors has of late are quite obvious to me but not apparently to her family. She claims she doesn't have an eating disorder, but she does. I watched her like a hawk at a recent get together and she played with her food, got rid of her food, and didn't want anything to do with food when offered more. She wore baggy clothes and complained of dry itchy skin. To top that off she has been making comments a lot about food... What sucks in all of this is that I wish I had her control and his lack of stability. I hate that I have bulimia and that its gone unnoticed by all of those who say they love me.

Angry-Stressed-Fat

Angry, stressed, and fat are current descriptors of the state I'm in. I can't win with either of my parents. My father is a deadbeat whose trying to hard to make me believe he loves me. My mother seems to think the world revolves around her and her feelings. Cortisol is my best friend at the moment as well to make matters worse. I'm fighting to keep my brother's Facebook page up and my best friend agrees with my mom. Take the page down and of course all our feelings are going to be fucking rainbows and butterflies. It pisses me off that my mother thinks this is going to simply help her move on because the page is stopping her from doing that. It seems to me she's looking at this page in a negative light, when if she looked at it in a more positive one it wouldn't be the "one thing" that's stopping her from moving on. I'm upset because I feel as though my mother is doing what is only best for her. If it were simply taking care of herself, and this included: getting a job, moving out of housing, and not relying on the advice of others then I wouldn't be so upset. She instead has defined taking care of herself as: getting rid of all things related to my brother, using every hypochondriac excuse in the book, and listening to her case worker, and psychotherapist. I'm hurt by this choice that she thinks is only up to her. The consequences of her choice are that I'm not going to talk to her. I'm tired of the same arguments which center around what his lose means to each of us, how I've changed, how I've not moved on...etc. SHE DOES WHAT SHE WANTS. I don't work tomorrow and I'm probably going to sleep. I'm alive though still so I guess that's a good thing....my EDNOS might get interesting in the next week.

I feel better ill-Purging.

A lot has been on my mind lately. I haven't had vitamins for close to a month and was doing well. I have hope that someday I'll get up the courage to stop, but not today. I have a lot of unresolved feelings involving my father. I hate feeling stressed out by it. I have a lot of questions, but an unwillingness to ask them. I don't understand after 25 years why he all of a sudden cares. I have nothing to offer him-I'm empty and broken. I'm MAD as hell! My brother meant the world to me, he's not here and I'm left to pick up the pieces that were lost a long time ago by myself. I wanted to matter to my father when my brother should have mattered to my father. I've had nearly two years to reflect on how I feel about my father, and my opinion of him really hasn't changed. I'm still MAD.

What stress does...

It devastates the body, even changes the body and my stress reliever is to purge. Something I hadn't done in 2 weeks, I did today. I don't feel well, haven't felt well and this isn't the type of response I was looking for to general stress. ....it's a relief though, I got rid of something.

Toothpaste

Tonight I took pictures of myself and what they reveled were nothing short of awful. I hate the way that I look, but am afraid to really reveal this to anyone. I have replaced self-harming behavior; i.e cutting, with binging and purging several times a week and it's getting old. I'm taking an appetite suppressant and it's not working. I've gained weight and it scares me that if I don't get back to where I was I will literally go off the deep end. To most people being 140lbs isn't heavy, but to me it feels heavy. I work at a convenience store where while we're working we can have almost anything. I've stayed away from most of the candy, but the cheese, meat, and other snack items I haven't. I tried lessening my coffee intake, but that only leaves me tired and cranky. I've been drinking tea instead lately because I don't add creamer or sugar to it. Is it the sheer amount I'm eating that's making me fat? or is it that time of the month? Whatever it is, it's not helping that the bf buys junk, drinks soda and doesn't exercise. Over the summer I wanted to run farther, walk farther, but I only had myself to compete with. It's the worst feeling to feel alone. I feel like any attempt to loose weight is judged. It would help me to know that if I'm loosing weight in a healthy way that my behavior be encouraged. I tried several different things during the summer. One of the main things that worked was to not eat after a certain time. What destroyed that behavior was my inability to stick with it. I don't usually eat breakfast, so I end up eating past the time I'd set. I'm going to try an experiment and it's going to go like this. When I work, which is four days a week I'm going to allow myself as much tea and water, but fried food is off the table completely. I am limited to either 2 pieces of cheese out of the deli or to 2 Cabot 80 cal blocks. Deli sandwiches are on the table, but lettuce, tomato, green peppers, onions are it. Breath mints, gum are alright. Chips and candy are of the table. A usual day is 11-8. Tomorrow is an 11-8 so by 4 I should have coffee and raisin oatmeal. On the days that I work, I'll do a workout video. If it takes 21 days to create a habit. Then here goes. ....My first goal: For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks I will record what I eat and what I drink in a timely manor: Within 30 min. .....My second goal:For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks 8 P.M. be at which consumption of food ends so cleansing can begin, with an hour decrease each week. ......My third goal: For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks I exercise a minimum of 4 times a week for 20 min. So here is the disgusting picture of myself that shocked me a little.

Not sure what I'm doing-should probably figure that out.

Lately it's all been a blur of work, shopping, decorating and eating! I don't know which I hate more, myself for gaining weight or myself for loosing control of my weight. I can't say that I don't like eating because I do,but lately it's been all I think about. I hate the winter because it limits what little running I already do. I have comfortably grown numb to what passes my lips and that is scary. I think that this holiday and really any holiday brings up emotions that I try to hide at all costs.
I can't get the recent events out of my head that took place in Connecticut.There will be little girls and little boys not opening gifts, there won't be laughter and hugs from their parents, and their won't be birthdays, graduations, or weddings to be celebrated. There lives were taken and this holiday season a nation will grieve. I hope that we all hold each other a little tighter and remember that we are not even guaranteed the day; it's not the presents that matter it's the lives that however short or long we touch that should mean the world to us.

To all who do read my blog..Have a Holiday!

Just outright ignorance

It is not a crime to not know or assume that all eating disorders are not the same. It is however a misjudgement to assume that all eating disorders are followed by a stereotypical set of symptoms. I do not believe that all eating disorders can be looked at in a stereotypical way without making the illnesses and the ones it encompasses; anorexia, bulimia, BED, etc seem unlike what they are. It hurts deeply to hear those closest make the biggest mistakes when it comes to all these mental illnesses. I for example am not starving because I want to make those closest to me miserable, nor am I sticking my finger down my through for the joy of it to throw up what I can not control. It's hideous what society has made others believe about these illnesses. Eating disorders are diseases that not only to a hold of a person, but becomes part of an individuals identity. There a mountainous climb up and a slippery slope down.

It's a tumultuous phrase, "I have an eating disorder." A whispered phrase for those struggling with a disease that does kill. So what does it mean to me? I couldn't tell you a straight answer if I tried. I will give you the best answer I can and it is this. It is absolutely terrifying. Not many of my close friends know. Not many of my family members know. I am extremely degrading on myself, I often feel like crying and if I could let myself not be frighted of some of the possibilities of  asking the right questions in an attempt to get help I would. With that said on the flip side I don't want to stop-I want to know what feeling thin is like again. I want to wear those thin clothes I have, those size 3 jeans. I'll do anything I have to do loose those 20lbs-even if it means 1 meal a day 600 calories tops.

<3 br="br" quietlilcontradiction="quietlilcontradiction">

Triggered

It happened earlier in the week and caught me by surprise. I had made several things at work and just couldn't finish what i made. I've been doing a lot of "wasting" a lot lately. I even talked about a lot things I've kept to myself for quite some time with a co-worker. The trigger is something unusual-a t.v. show. I'm back to post thanksgiving weight. I have the day of again today and I'm going to try and both eat as little as possible and drink a ton of tea.....my goal is to see ribs again.

Had the biggest scare of my life last night and I don't know what to really think. I left the site prettythin up before I left for work and forgot the bf had the day off. Pretty sure he saw it but didn't say anything about it. I bought a dark chocolate bar and binged on it....ended up with probably a little over 1,000 cals for the day. Going to lesson it to 800 or less today and try and either purge or go for a walk on 1 meal. I can do it-I've just been extremely weak as a person.

Still taking an excess of vitamins....and unable to will myself off-...i know it's wreakless, dangerous...but the best way I have to cope with what I feel.

Feeling tired and a bit resigned to the fact I'm fat.

It's pretty close to winter here in New England. I usually don't like the weather or this time of year. It's a time where I am  stuck inside and have to find something to do. I get board and if i can't find something to do I eat for no good reason really. I haven't purged in about a week, but have been feeling odd. I think I'm coming down with a cold because I've been congested a lot lately. I weighed myself and I'm up to 139. I don't know how this is happening! If I eat less I weigh more. I can't seem to control myself and feel as if I might resort to the only thing that did keep my weight in check. I'm at a wits end and I'm tired of living in a fat suit. It's not pretty and I'm not happy. ....so I just weighed myself 137.6..still too high!

All that matters

Tonight has been a good night for the most part. I got out of work at 8 and have been online for a while now. I ate a lot today but have resisted eating junk thus far. I really want this badly. I want to lose enough weight for myself to feel good. I honestly feel that if that ends up being close to a dangerously low weight then it's up to me. In a lot of ways I have always felt like I do things to please a lot of other people and I am the last person I please. I like to keep others happy and avoid any conflict. I'm hoping that the weather is good because I would like to run for a little bit. I need to run a lot of things out. The holidays are a hard time for me since I lost my brother and I wish that I could avoid them all together-but that's not what he'd want.
Tomorrow I do not work but I think the bf will be home so I'm hoping that I can control myself better then I can at work. I'm beginning to think that the key to eating less is first eating something healthy then if I'm hungry again drinking some water. I have been wanting a pumpkin muffin for days now and have yet to eat it, because it just leads to more and more munching. Something that I promised myself after leaving McDicks I wouldn't do. I was under so much stress there and I don't know how I made it through some days. I made it through though.

...don't know how much I weigh....not sure I want to know either. (138)!!!!!!!! Fuck me.
Could it be due to the strength training I've been doing?

All by myself and still none-the-better.

Over the last week I have essentially fluctuated 4lbs. It is both stressing me out and making me want to just return to what I was doing and that was essentially nothing. I've been doing lunges, hip raisers, and fire hydrant leg lifts as well has switching my walk and run days. I have struggled with night binges and haven't purged since the beginning of the week. I feel like my legs are getting worked but my intake has increased instead of decreased like I would have liked it too. Apparently exercising is a big deal according to my bf and he doesn't seem to like it. I like exercising because it makes me feel better but do wish that I was in better shape. I hate my body and the way I look. I'm obsessed with ebay and spending money. I know that short of losing a limb or starving for long periods of time that I'm not going to just drop 20lbs but I do feel discouraged. I ate a couple of things I regret now but I guess that's how it goes.

Comming days

The next two days will be interesting, they're days I dread simply because I HAVE to hide how I feel about food etc. They are days where I simply have to eat A LOT.




2 tea
3 water
1 Peanut butter cup                 88 
1 Greek yogurt                       110
1.5 rice, broccoli, and cheese 225
4 sandies                                 320
Multi-grain wheat thins          140
Ran for 15 min.  175.51 (burned calories)

707.49
Current Weight: 134.6

It's been awhile...

It's been really too long. I find myself writing about what feels like a demise only waiting to happen. I have gotten in the habit of binging and purging because I can't control myself. I hate what I'm becoming and in my eyes it's a blob. I feel like a giant mass of fat and the farthest I've felt from loving myself in a long time. I won't step on the scale because I can tell just by looking at myself my weight has gone up. I don't know if it's my mind playing tricks on me or if I just am really a fat blob.
I wish that losing weight was easy and the simple truth is that it isn't. I know what it's like to be terrified of gaining weight and yet through the binging and purging nothing has changed. I feel trapped in a box, and getting out of the box is only possible with a key. The key doesn't belong to me it belongs to something not controlled by me. I want to stop eating all together sometimes, but then I wonder what purpose would that serve and who would I be hurting other then myself. After all the only person who saw anything remotely wrong wouldn't see me suffer. I'm draw back to reality though and reality is far less dramatic. If I want to lose weight it's not up to who loves me to tell me what the right number is. If I believe the the right number is 95 then as long as I'm not dying it's an alright number. I remember how in the summer I felt at 128-the number for one day dropped to 126 and then went to 131. It was exhilarating to know I controlled the number.
If I were completely honest I would add that when I say binging and purging I mean purging once a day and if at all possible at least 5 days a week if I have enough vitamins. I now can't get my weight anything below 136 and if I'm lucky 134. I need to not eat junk food and think about what I'm drinking at work.

My other wish some might find truly shocking but I wish I had a weight loss buddy to correspond with on a regular basis. I don't have anyone to compare notes with or to exchange photos with. It's crossed my mind that the internet is a giant place and it's likely that I could find a buddy but just haven't tried hard enough too. I want to go on a 800 calorie diet with at least 10 min of running 20 min of walking. The winter is coming though and my goal of 110 by Dec 1st is a useless one unless I either find a buddy who will truly help me out or I make a promise to myself-whatever the cost.

<3 alwaysbeginningneverending, quietlilcontradiction

Rum and Diet Pepsi

It has been a long time since I've had a drink. I used to drink quiet often, every weekend but that got old after a while. It allowed me to release a lot of tension. I wish that lately I didn't feel like crying. I have this ache that just isn't going away and I think that a lot of it has to do with what I did right after my brother passed away. I shut down. I still feel guilty, I still feel lonely, and I still feel empty. 

I wanted to believe that a miracle was possible, and yet I felt like there wasn't ever going to be one. I firmly believe that if someone believes there is hope that anything is possible though. I find parallels with what I'm dealing with. I still believe that there is hope for me that I can get better, it's a matter of being determined to get better-right now is not the time for me. 

I'm hung up on this and it's not going to stop being this way until I can fully comprehend how I feel. When I'm in the the binge-purge cycle I don't think about it all and that's what's nice about it. It is one of the crappiest coping mechanisms ever and I would never recommend anyone try and purge. 

On another note who like the Vampire Diaries? I <3 them and can't wait until the October 11 premier. In celebration of it here is some Vampire Diary thinspo with Nina Dobrev who plays the lead female role! and her co stars!

"All you have to do is not eat"

I swear it's all I've heard in my head for the past two days. If I listen to this voice I know how things will turn out. I feel as if the clock is ticking and time is running out. I've tried to loose weight in the past and it's not worked out. For whatever reason though now I feel as if it might work. I have promised myself that by the end of this month I would loose 10 pounds and if I don't there will be consequences. I also though have been feeling more drawn to cutting. Am I loosing my mind?
I might be.

I think that tomorrow I'll start drinking copious amounts of tea, and try and eat as little as possible. I work in a deli and while making sandwiches normally don't make me hungry the fried food does.
Fuck....two small tomatoes, a slice of cheese and probably 30-40 cheeze its later here I am.
So I work in 7 hrs! My first time on register and all that goes with it....asking for id's, bad attitudes, and a possible slip up. I think that instead of getting stuff at the place I work I'm going to bring them. So my goal is nothing fried tomorrow. I'm going to bring two small tomatoes, possibly a half sandwich and half the size of cheeze its as something salty, along with a big bottle of water, a smaller bottle of water and some drink mix. That will be my morning/breakfast intake. I'll probably drink some coffee throughout the day too...the bf will be home some I'll have to stall on dinner and snacks. So my mauntra for this month is....

All you have to do is not eat.

and

I know you can handle what comes

with it, headaches etc., You've done

it before.

My ed working against me....this is what I faintly hear and it's upsetting:

Yeah you, you selfish, immature, bloated, fat pig-those cheeze its you ate earlier they are going to straight to your ass. You know what you have to do to work that off don't you? Get up off your ass and do something about it. If you keep eating at the rate you are your just going to fail like all the other times you've said you weren't. If you really want it, to loose that fat you look at when you wake up in the morning your going to have to start restricting, lying, and all together it will pay off. That ache in your stomach that's what you get for gorging your self. 

<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining, now....quietlilcontradiction or quietlilier on PT.