Feeling angry....

The saga of J and I is over, but the rumors aren't. I wish that if someone was going to talk about me behind my back that they would be willing to say something to my face as well. Apparently that's too hard to do. I hate bitches!

The saga continues...

The following is going to be a letter. I have to put my feelings somewhere and I guess here is the safest place for them. Dear Jacob, If you knew what I wanted say to you the other night then you might not hate me so much. I still want to be your friend, even after what you and others said about me. What you said and what others have said hurt to hear. I have struggled in the past year with more then my morality. I have struggled with an eating disorder in which I trusted you with. I fear that I can no longer trust you and that what I have said to others may not have been kept secret either. I hate to see you unhappy. I have in your words "played the field" and acted in a despicable fashion. It is unfair that much of the information I've received has of late so blatantly was hidden from me. It's one thing to be angry and another to lash out at me and other people. I'd appreciate if you left your friends out of it because believe it or not I don't have the same advantage you do. I hope you realize I'm a strong person and even though I've made a lot of mistakes It doesn't make me a horrible person.

Dreams

It's been so long, because the internet is no longer available where I live and as of late I've been sick and tired. I caught a cold and work stops for no one including me. Thought I'd never be as hard of a worker as I've turned out to be. A lot has happened and it has indeed turned into something of a "twilight saga". I am not very observant when it comes to the things around me or who is around me at times. It wasn't until recently like two months ago that I realized a co-worker had something for me. He's similar in ways to my now fiance but very different in other ways. Has coincidence would have it his name is also Jacob. I'm torn in a lot of ways like Bella was, it's like night and day with two people that mean a lot to me. I like that one is young and free and doesn't have a problem with drinking alcohol. I like my fiance who is a great provider and is realistic about life though too. I don't like the unknown and a lot is unknown with the one who has something for me. We've hung out in the company of a mutual friend and it's been great. I want the sociability I have with Jacob that I don't have with Jason. Jason likes solidarity and in solidarity I find nothing but loneliness. I need a lot of stimuli to be happy. I hate routine, I love spontaneity. Age slows some people down, and I don't feel at nearly 26 I should be slowing down anytime soon. Jason is 37 and it's a real downer when he's tired all the time! I'm frustrated with the lack of respect I receive when it comes to the basics of living with someone. We both have full time jobs and because mine is the lesser of the two I have been appropriated the house maid. It makes me mad. So mad in fact at times that I don't feel like going home. I want to feel like I mean something more then the bitch whose doing his laundry; because that's how I feel, the bitch and not in a good way. I'm not sure that I would have written my dreams down if it weren't for the fact that I dreamed 2 completely different dreams in one night. My first dream had a lot of different things happen it it. I ended up in my car for whatever reason at night with my fiance. My fiance ended up driving my car with my in it. For whatever reason he drove it into a lake. I'm not sure how we ended up on the dock but we did. We watched my car sink and then eventually went after it. After trying to find it we found a car. I tried to use my same car key to start the other car we found. It didn't work. My second dream had my deceased brother in it. It has a back story to it that until now I hadn't given much though to. About 5 years before is passing he had, had a feeding tube put in. This ultimately helped him and prolonged his life. It was a challenge to convince my brother but he did accept that it was for the best. In my dream I was still trying to convince my brother if he didn't start eating more my mom and I would have no choice but to commit him to a mental health hospital. In the end he did get committed. On a subsequent visit to see him I made a point about something and got into a conversation about it with a doctor overseeing my brothers case. The doctor looked like my old professor. I don't remember what I made a point about or what I told the doctor. I've maintained a weight of 129 now for a couple of months so I'm happy for now. I went down a size. I'm getting a gym membership next week. Night lovelies... yes I'm still ALIVE.

I cant win!

My friends and family back home keep telling me that I've changed. Changed into what? I've grown up. It is and isn't that simple. I am frustrated and bemused at the same time. On the one hand I have a best friend who I don't know anymore and a mother who is just fucking crazy. Neither one of them see anything good coming out of me being in Vermont and I've nearly had it with both. Since when does posting a message about stability a slap in the face! If I were entirely honest about my best friends wedding I'd say that the person she intends to marry isn't good enough for her. I'd also say that I hate her choice of wedding colors and that she's not going to get a dime from her family to help her! If she really needs money for her wedding she should take a look at what she does and doesn't need; i.e. cable. I'm being pulled in two different directions; my friends and family and then my fiance. Since I'm on the subject of honesty why not talk about my mother. My mother is an angry, lazy, selfish person who drives me nuts. She hurts people without even realizing it. Her outburst are child-like and embarrassing. I wish that she understood that life is what you make of it. That to a decree "those people" with vehicles, nice houses and a disposable income are mostly hardworking individuals. I wish that she understood being angry all the time is a downer. I wish that she tried to make an effort when it comes to understanding my loss when it comes to my brother. I wish that she understood in order to be heard you don't have to yell. I am not a child and I refuse to act like one. If screaming were an option it would be my first. The second and third options are not mentally stable ones. I wish that they had some sort of clue how fragile I am in some respects. For God sake I don't think an eating disorder is even on their radar. I hate that I love food. I hate that I've gotten used to purging. I hate that I know what to eat so that it comes up easier. I hate that I don't like myself. I hate that I think I'm fat and that I can't stare in the mirror for more then a minute. I've only had one person tell me they can read me like a book. If my pages are so readable then why are the ones those closest to me able to read blank? I remember being sickest in the summer of last year and purging to the point my nose bled and yet here I still am, my family and friends nearly clueless. I'm starting to go back to old habits and I'm not sure what's going to happen next.

Nearly Two Years Later.

I remember the day like no other. Years before I didn't believe what I had heard when the twin towers fell, until the evidence was live on the television. Even years before that when the Oklahoma City federal building was bombed it again was evidenced by the television. Both events I could run from because I wasn't there, and though both events were tragic, there effects did not impact my family unit. I remember not being able to breathe and wanting to die too. I don't know how to explain the type of loss I felt right away. I felt lost and on my own for the first time. For as long as I could remember I was always in the shadows and after everything happened I was exposed. I broke down several times and wrote a letter to my best friend telling her about my issues. I cried out for help many times growing up, but my mom always seemed to be busy with my brother. This created a lot of rifts between my mom and I and for a while it seemed those rifts were going to stay. I think a lot has changed in two years. I feel like I've done a lot of growing up. I think that I can say I know what I want for me and what I want in life. I want to be happy, I want to know that I'm loved, I want someone I can lean on and someone who supports me. I have someone who loves me greatly and to a fault. What I think I need to do is love myself. I still feel like that hurt and misunderstood little girl sometimes who only wants her feelings to be validated. I was recently asked to describe my brother to someone who never knew him. Determined was the first thing that came to mind. Terminal illnesses often test just how determined an individual can be. In the years before my brothers passing there were less and less times we got to talk but when we did, it was never about how sick he was, those conversations were very much avoided. How we choose to remember individuals can either aid in the healing process of make the process more difficult. I think that has the years pass determined will always be the first thing I say when asked. The second word I used was observant. Their were things that he'd notice that no one else in the room would. Often people who don't say much notice more then those who talk a lot. I think that if I hadn't had this experience in my life, I wouldn't be the person I am today. It's like the ending of A walk to Remember; we (my mom and I) are were his blessing. If I had to change anything it would be the way in which I dealt with the pain I was feeling, or the lack of feeling I was exhibiting. Often times I just felt like screaming why! I cut my self, I starved myself, and I purged all in an attempt to avoid doing just that. I didn't develop appropriate coping skills and it's effecting me still to this day. I purged now last night and no one will know but me. I hate it and love it at the same time. How can no one around me, not know I'm doing this to myself? Am I hiding it that well? It's really frustrating. I'm going to my hometown in 11 days! That should mean 1. exercise every day, 2. no eating after 9 and 3. no soda, energy drinks, juice, just water and coffee. ....I know it's been a while and I apologize that my posts now are far and in between and that I talk about the same things!

Connections

In someway each person makes an imprint on another intentionally or unintentionally. I feel a connection with two people in my life at the moment. One of these individuals seems to have in an odd way figured me out. I'm an open book someone I knew once said, and it's true. I hate that I can be read by people who don't know who I really am- but to those who know me I can fool. I have an addiction like this person who can read me, but doesn't know me. I feel intrigued about this person-he's a hurt person, a big talker, a drug addicts, a black sheep etc. I don't take drugs, but I use my vitamins like a drug- and to get a euphoric feelings I purge. The other person is my sister in law, her behaviors has of late are quite obvious to me but not apparently to her family. She claims she doesn't have an eating disorder, but she does. I watched her like a hawk at a recent get together and she played with her food, got rid of her food, and didn't want anything to do with food when offered more. She wore baggy clothes and complained of dry itchy skin. To top that off she has been making comments a lot about food... What sucks in all of this is that I wish I had her control and his lack of stability. I hate that I have bulimia and that its gone unnoticed by all of those who say they love me.

Angry-Stressed-Fat

Angry, stressed, and fat are current descriptors of the state I'm in. I can't win with either of my parents. My father is a deadbeat whose trying to hard to make me believe he loves me. My mother seems to think the world revolves around her and her feelings. Cortisol is my best friend at the moment as well to make matters worse. I'm fighting to keep my brother's Facebook page up and my best friend agrees with my mom. Take the page down and of course all our feelings are going to be fucking rainbows and butterflies. It pisses me off that my mother thinks this is going to simply help her move on because the page is stopping her from doing that. It seems to me she's looking at this page in a negative light, when if she looked at it in a more positive one it wouldn't be the "one thing" that's stopping her from moving on. I'm upset because I feel as though my mother is doing what is only best for her. If it were simply taking care of herself, and this included: getting a job, moving out of housing, and not relying on the advice of others then I wouldn't be so upset. She instead has defined taking care of herself as: getting rid of all things related to my brother, using every hypochondriac excuse in the book, and listening to her case worker, and psychotherapist. I'm hurt by this choice that she thinks is only up to her. The consequences of her choice are that I'm not going to talk to her. I'm tired of the same arguments which center around what his lose means to each of us, how I've changed, how I've not moved on...etc. SHE DOES WHAT SHE WANTS. I don't work tomorrow and I'm probably going to sleep. I'm alive though still so I guess that's a good thing....my EDNOS might get interesting in the next week.

I feel better ill-Purging.

A lot has been on my mind lately. I haven't had vitamins for close to a month and was doing well. I have hope that someday I'll get up the courage to stop, but not today. I have a lot of unresolved feelings involving my father. I hate feeling stressed out by it. I have a lot of questions, but an unwillingness to ask them. I don't understand after 25 years why he all of a sudden cares. I have nothing to offer him-I'm empty and broken. I'm MAD as hell! My brother meant the world to me, he's not here and I'm left to pick up the pieces that were lost a long time ago by myself. I wanted to matter to my father when my brother should have mattered to my father. I've had nearly two years to reflect on how I feel about my father, and my opinion of him really hasn't changed. I'm still MAD.

What stress does...

It devastates the body, even changes the body and my stress reliever is to purge. Something I hadn't done in 2 weeks, I did today. I don't feel well, haven't felt well and this isn't the type of response I was looking for to general stress. ....it's a relief though, I got rid of something.

Toothpaste

Tonight I took pictures of myself and what they reveled were nothing short of awful. I hate the way that I look, but am afraid to really reveal this to anyone. I have replaced self-harming behavior; i.e cutting, with binging and purging several times a week and it's getting old. I'm taking an appetite suppressant and it's not working. I've gained weight and it scares me that if I don't get back to where I was I will literally go off the deep end. To most people being 140lbs isn't heavy, but to me it feels heavy. I work at a convenience store where while we're working we can have almost anything. I've stayed away from most of the candy, but the cheese, meat, and other snack items I haven't. I tried lessening my coffee intake, but that only leaves me tired and cranky. I've been drinking tea instead lately because I don't add creamer or sugar to it. Is it the sheer amount I'm eating that's making me fat? or is it that time of the month? Whatever it is, it's not helping that the bf buys junk, drinks soda and doesn't exercise. Over the summer I wanted to run farther, walk farther, but I only had myself to compete with. It's the worst feeling to feel alone. I feel like any attempt to loose weight is judged. It would help me to know that if I'm loosing weight in a healthy way that my behavior be encouraged. I tried several different things during the summer. One of the main things that worked was to not eat after a certain time. What destroyed that behavior was my inability to stick with it. I don't usually eat breakfast, so I end up eating past the time I'd set. I'm going to try an experiment and it's going to go like this. When I work, which is four days a week I'm going to allow myself as much tea and water, but fried food is off the table completely. I am limited to either 2 pieces of cheese out of the deli or to 2 Cabot 80 cal blocks. Deli sandwiches are on the table, but lettuce, tomato, green peppers, onions are it. Breath mints, gum are alright. Chips and candy are of the table. A usual day is 11-8. Tomorrow is an 11-8 so by 4 I should have coffee and raisin oatmeal. On the days that I work, I'll do a workout video. If it takes 21 days to create a habit. Then here goes. ....My first goal: For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks I will record what I eat and what I drink in a timely manor: Within 30 min. .....My second goal:For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks 8 P.M. be at which consumption of food ends so cleansing can begin, with an hour decrease each week. ......My third goal: For a period of 21 days, that is 3 weeks I exercise a minimum of 4 times a week for 20 min. So here is the disgusting picture of myself that shocked me a little.