Complex

I don't understand my addiction. I am addicted to vitamins and the side effects that occur because of taking to many.  I have a sadness that I carry, that I am in truth sick of carrying it around. I am in a battle with myself-I don't want anyone to know that I'm not better-that I never really got better. My thoughts are erratic sometimes and tonight I saw remnants from what I had eaten earlier and I just couldn't help myself-I saw the fry and just forced two fingers down my throat. It didn't hurt-and I got quite a few fries. I'm not afraid and that's scary in of its self. I wish I had the nerve to tell someone.
I try and explain it to other people and they don't seem to get it or understand. I'm going to see if this is just a phase-I don't think it is. When I say explain I leave a lot out and leave the ones I trust to fill in the rest- my friends, not my mom or bf. I know the consequences and I'm feeling them-I'm getting chest pains. This means that I need to stop-But I'm also getting high. I won't know if I've gained or lost any weight until I done being  bloated and gross.

On the family front it's a complex mess that I don't want to deal with. I have avoided talking to my biological father and his family. I don't know what to say. I've experienced a great loss and I am dealing with it the best way that I know how; denial. It's literally the story of my life. I can disappear when I want and appear when I want-I wish that it wasn't that way. The people that I wish would look for me don't and when they do I don't have enough strength to answer back.
I want the TRUTH-is that too much to ask for? I don't want to search for it, dig for it, fight for it.