Just let me go quietly

It's a thought that crossed my mind earlier and one that hasn't been far from the truth for quite some time. I don't know how to say what exactly I want to say to both of my parents. My mom raised me and my brother and my father well was absent. I have feelings that have been fueling both my disordered eating and my depression for a long time. I need to get through it-or at least fake it until I do make it. It's getting tough-a week from today will be a year since my brother passed away. I want to do something special in memory of him, but i don't know exactly what. I want to live again. I wish that my life was clearer. When my brother was alive i felt like i could do anything-now I'm stuck in my own hell.

Purged

and I don't feel good about it. Is this what my life destined for? BB around 11-got a long day of work ahead of me. Joy!

Got more vitamins and feel like shit!

I got back from work, took a shower and basically ate-and feel asleep only to wake up feeling like I had the flu. I think I know why I might feel sick and weak and it boils down to one word. I have the attention span of someone half my age and all I think about is how much I'm pretty much fucked and how moving and finding a new job etc is going to be stressful. I could cause a panic attack in myself it's really that bad. I'm getting aches and pains now more...but I can't stop now. I haven't weighed myself in two, three, four days because I know I'm not 130 anymore-wouldn't surprise me if I were 133-135ish. I wish I had a buddy to converse with-it really does suck when I can't talk to anyone else that I think could understand the predicament I put myself in. I can't just openly say that I take vitamins to make myself purge because I think that I'm not thin enough, pretty enough etc. It not exactly pretty-and I really hate hiding things, lying about things-I'm horrible at both. 

I'm hurting and it's the eve nearly of my brothers death. I cried a couple of days ago, honestly because I have so many unresolved feeling about it. I feel like he left me and that God played a cruel trick on me. I don't want to hurt anymore-a year later hasn't done much to make that hurt or anger go away. I didn't expect to feel the way I do now, how do you move on from that? I need to figure out a way to grieve that suites me not anyone else. With that said I feel as though I was rushed through the process because it inconvenienced certain people. I feel like I should have been sick and died. I'm still here and now I have to navigate this world by myself. I really wish that siblings knew how important it is to tell each other how much they love them because it is so easy to take them for granted. What do you do when you feel guilty for one not being there because you had to go to college, and for two couldn't stand to watch someone you love die? I feel GUILTY!!!!! Guilt is CRIPPLING. My sadness comes from a very, very deep part of my soul. I watched someone I loved dearly die a slow, painful, undeserved death. He knew that he was dying and I couldn't take that away. I wish that I could just hug him and tell him how sorry I was for not being a very good sister.   

The floodgates of emotion seemed to just fly open for a time just after my brothers passing 
I went from what I can only describe as a numb feeling to feeling everything overnight
It's an unsettling and overwhelming feeling when the coping mechanisms that are already unhealthy turn potentially deadly. 
I haven't cut because honestly if I were to cut every time I felt overwhelmed or sad I'd have a scar on every inch of my body.
I have gained so much more insight about myself, I believe then I ever would have without going through what I have.
My brother made me a better person-a stronger person, someone who loves deeply. 
The vitamins numb the pain I still feel, and the pain that they cause make me know that I'm still alive. 
I need to resolve this internal fight with myself or I'm going to die. 

TTYS~QuietLiLier

Feeling weak and tired.

I took the last of the vitamins I had and plan on getting more-but I'm getting weak and tired from them. I hate the feelings I'm getting from them-but at the same time I'm losing weight. I am down to 130.6 and I'd like to get to 113.6 by the end of May. I feel like crying because I don't feel like anyone can save me now. I'm just moving further away from the girl I once knew. I want to change the things that I can't. I can't tell anyone what really does bother me, because if I said I had an eating disorder no one would believe me. I'm too fat. When I started my blog I had more anorexic tendencies then bulimic ones and now the tables are turned. I don't want to be saved, I want to go down the path I'm going and just end up somewhere. I walked/ran today and my right knee is killing me. I would have gone further, but it was cold and sprinkling out. I ended up with an intake of just under 1000 calories. I have the next two days off which means that I'm probably going to gain three four five pounds because of the bf. Thinking about it kinda makes me mad-because he eats a lot of junk food and it entices me. If I don't eat it, he makes jokes and kinda makes fun of me.

I think I need some help to care-I was supposed to talk to my bff but I didn't. Signed Tired and Weak.

The grief's only begun

To say I have appropriate coping mechanisms is a lie. I cope with things the best way I can, and best ways I know are destructive. I have self-injured, I have buried thing, I have denied things, and I have hid away from things.  I don't self injure as frequently anymore because it's getting closer to summer and I don't want leave anymore scares behind. I still bury things, deny things and hide away from things. I know that I need to start talking to people again, especially the ones that love me-but I can't. I am worst of all stubborn. Usually this would be a good thing, but it's not when you know someone else is right and your wrong.

I took on too much this semester and knew it halfway in and I didn't speak up and let anyone know. So honestly what do I do now? I've been hit with this giant wall of grief and some of the one's closest to me don't have a clue. I wish they knew how not awesome I'm doing. I feel like crying and I don't know why sometimes. I sit and stare out the window wondering about the future and not knowing what mines going to look like. I'm still sad and sometimes it's paralyzing. The world moved in the past year and it feels like I didn't. No one else has to care about my brother dying-it wasn't there loss, it was mine. I feel so alone and not strong enough to reach out and say it hurts so much I'm hurting myself.

It wont make sense, but this is what gets me through the day; denying that my brother is dead. What I know is that he is and he's not coming back.  I'm a million miles away and going nowhere fast it seems. I think that I figured this process would take awhile, and I wished that the world was a more forgiving place.  16 days it will 1 year.

I didn't eat much and ended up purging most of what I did eat. I don't remember the very first time I did it or tried to do it. I want to say when I was in high school. I started to not eat and restrict a lot in high school. I felt guilty for wasting food and I think that's when I started to purge. My mother didn't have a clue. One of my most vivid memories was after eating more then I thought was adequate and waiting for my mom go to bed I took 1or 2 teaspoons of IPECAC syrup. I was so sick after it. At that time I was doing track and running at least two hours a day. I ate very little and went from 130-113 in a matter of two months. I don't remember if the gain was quick or not, but I ended up maintaning 121 for a little bit and then jumped to 130 and maintaning that for awhile and then slowly creeping up to 135.

I want to be 113 more then anything in the world right now and the stress I'm under isn't helping. I am sad, lonely, and probably dangerously impulsive when it comes to a few things. I want to be perfect lol- I know we all do in someway. I feel trapped however in this. I feel guilty and I wish that I could let go of it all.

In this time of uncertainty all that we can be certain of is that nothing is certain. ~Confucius

Complex

I don't understand my addiction. I am addicted to vitamins and the side effects that occur because of taking to many.  I have a sadness that I carry, that I am in truth sick of carrying it around. I am in a battle with myself-I don't want anyone to know that I'm not better-that I never really got better. My thoughts are erratic sometimes and tonight I saw remnants from what I had eaten earlier and I just couldn't help myself-I saw the fry and just forced two fingers down my throat. It didn't hurt-and I got quite a few fries. I'm not afraid and that's scary in of its self. I wish I had the nerve to tell someone.
I try and explain it to other people and they don't seem to get it or understand. I'm going to see if this is just a phase-I don't think it is. When I say explain I leave a lot out and leave the ones I trust to fill in the rest- my friends, not my mom or bf. I know the consequences and I'm feeling them-I'm getting chest pains. This means that I need to stop-But I'm also getting high. I won't know if I've gained or lost any weight until I done being  bloated and gross.

On the family front it's a complex mess that I don't want to deal with. I have avoided talking to my biological father and his family. I don't know what to say. I've experienced a great loss and I am dealing with it the best way that I know how; denial. It's literally the story of my life. I can disappear when I want and appear when I want-I wish that it wasn't that way. The people that I wish would look for me don't and when they do I don't have enough strength to answer back.
I want the TRUTH-is that too much to ask for? I don't want to search for it, dig for it, fight for it.

It's all in the family

I was on vacation last week so I gave myself a break from all school work and from ultimately caring about what could be described as a procrastinators nightmare. It was Easter a couple of days ago and the topic of family at work came up and stuck me like a bolt of lightning. I haven't been back to my hometown since my brothers passing and I'm not sure that I really want to so soon. It will be a year on May 7th and I'm apprehensive to say the least. A year is a long time, but it's not nearly enough to erase feelings of sadness or to see people I once knew. My wounds if that what one might call it aren't entirely healed and rightly so. I feel a need to ultimately push through with what little time I have left. I want to however be careful with what I say-intentions are great but actions are even better. I told my self in the beginning of may that I was just going to have to bust right though it and didn't. So with a lot of encouragement and self-will that wont die I have to do it-I have to push through it. I have to learn to say that I'm not doing alright when times are tough for me. I apparently can lie well enough to get by-but just getting by does really suck.
What's strange is that because I'm not stuck on getting to a certain weight it's coming of a lot easier. I want to be comfortable with myself and I don't remember ever being that way. I look at myself and others who are just a bit smaller and wonder how I gained 20lbs. I went from 113-135....a gain of 22lbs. Well I'm getting headed so I can work on 5 mini papers, 2 term papers...etc....HELL.