I'm having a hard time.

I don't let a lot of people in because I'm afraid they'll just reject me. I think I get this from my mother-she'd reject people before they could reject her. Like the title of this post states I am having a hard time-a very general statement really. To be more specific-I'm probably won't be going to school much longer. This is really all I left-that at this point is keeping me sane. The talk with the counselor went well-most of the hour and half was spent talking about my brother. I feel like not a lot of people understand what it's like to feel a) like they don't have direction b) are forced in a direction with no way out.


I want to be left alone but I want to be surrounded by people.
I want to die but I want to live.
It's not enough to say I know how you feel or to share your experience, let me live through mine; I need talk about it.
I'm scared that if I don't keep taking I'm going put myself in the hospital. I'm self-harming again.


In my last post I had wrote about a manager I work with and how she's one of my greatest triggers. Well I though she might have known about my brothers passing-she didn't. I broke down...and basically was like nothing I do is right-blah-blah. It was one of the first times I didn't feel guarded around her and it felt great.

The past two days have been so emotionally charged I've begun to have headaches again. Today was a bad day for emotionally charged eating. I had the usual Ice coffee but ate a couple of wraps and started eating crap when I got home. Grr I'm not even physically hungry! I'm just stressed out.

<3NeverEndingAlwaysBegining