Why Can't I?

I am beginning to be resumed to the idea I have little to no will power. The importance of will power come in handy when one is trying to lose weight. I have tried to keep realistic goals and have yet again failed. At work, food is everywhere and it's in all forms. It is like a personified object-the candy bars, the little Debbie snacks, the fried fat, everything calls out eat me! I want to so desperately get out of this binge-purge cycle-but I can't. It is what I can count on at the end of every meal, at the end of the day and when I feel at my lowest. I live on feeling "ill". Feeling ill is the feeling I get when I feel as if I'm going to purge. I feel light headed, almost high, my skin gets shallow, and flushed, my eyes get puffy etc. I've been battling with myself back and forth now for a couple of days....is this Bulimia? I don't purge every day-maybe 4 days a week. I've maintained a weight well within the normal range etc.
I am revolted by the current sight of myself and I feel so close to cutting again it's not funny. I still feel lonely and wish that my brother were here. I feel guilty for a lot of things still and I can't stop beating myself up about them. I feel as if I'm wearing a fat suit and I wish I could just unzip it and walk out 20 plus pounds lighter.

Today was pretty bad food wise. Animal crackers, Twizzlers, a bagel with light cream cheese, some Greek yogurt, a cheese burger, some french fries, an apple, another apple, some more Greek yogurt, a couple Twizzlers and 3 powder donuts and some pretzels.
I want to lose weight more then anything in this world right now and at the rate I'm going I'll do anything-which includes but isn't limited to laxatives, diet pills etc.

Hope ya'all are doing better then me....<3Alwaysbeginningneverending/quietLiLier/quietLiLcontradiction.

August! A new month, a new chance.

I've been slacking on posts because I want my blog to stay private-and the bf is very disagreeable when it comes to me losing weight. I've been trying to eat healthy, and stay away from not so healthy choices. I am back down to 131. I'm getting back into exercise after about a week  rest. I had been closer to 135 (eww)! The other problem I've had lately is I don't have a stable internet connection-Sorry! If it worked better I'd be posting a lot of thinspo. Hopefully soon.

So today I've had lasagna (500 calories), grated cheese (20),  2 green teas (200), 14 carrots (70)....
One of my goals today is to drink at least for glasses of water. 

I got the job! I'm so thrilled-I get to buy more vitamins :) It's at a gas station, so we'll see how it pans out.

Been Thinking...Day 7

Today is day 7! I'm embarrassed to write down what I've eaten, but what the hell right? So my intake consisted of 2-3 yogurt granola bars, one regular one, Doritos, a piece of bread, and oatmeal. I didn't feel good this morning-woke with the worst stomach feeling. I felt completely and utterly empty. I had some green tea, some diet green tea, and ginger ale. I didn't go out and walk just worked cleaning the house.  I weigh....an outrageous number to me, but really is average. I finally got an interview. I'd be working at a gas station/deli if I got hired. Cross fingers hope I do.

I'm tired and yes still hungry-but I'll manage to deal. My goal for tomorrow is to drink more water!

Day 6-the sugar conspiracy!

So the past two days I've had limitless amounts of food and not so much exercise. I feel like a blimp! I binged and binged and didn't purge. The bf was around and I couldn't risk it. I finally had a sliver of good news on the job front and have an interview in the morning. I was down to 128.6 and now I'm back at 133.8 +! Once I do get a job and get payed I'm going to get some more vitamins and possibly do a cleanse. For now though.... here goes


Intake: 2 vanilla yogurt granola bars, 1 can Beefaroni, Doritos, and a mocha latte frap (Starbucks 100 cal) .

Exercise:

Current weight: (ashamed)

Day 3

I don't know what I'm going to exactly eat today. I know that my caloric intake should only reach 800 calories so I think that since there isn't much food in my apartment I might make something up. I wish that I had more of an urge to poo then to pee! Just saying-all this water is making it seem like I'm getting up all the time. I have to stay away from making something up though...if I don't know how many calories are in what I'm making up I'll only gain weight! 

REMINDER: Many have reached your goal, Many have failed to reach their goals which one are you going to be?

Intake: PLANNED FOR DAY. Benifiber (10) Oatmeal packet (160) 1 hotdog  (325) 1 ear of corn with 1tbsp butter (100), pretzel rods (60), Grilled chick strips (240), Ketchup (15),  2 pieces of bread (240), Peanut butter (250), Milk (55) and Mustard sauce.

Okay so here goes...I woke up with a headache drank, some benefiber, some ice water and kinda got up for the day.  I made the bf lunch as usual and had some too. I made corn on the cob and him chicken nuggets. I wasn't going to make anything and then I decided to make some grilled chicken strips for myself. I snuggled back into bed and woke up a couple hours later, and had a small serving of pretzel rods. I feel weak and tired ...don't really want to go for a walk but think it might help. Plus I could burn off 100 calories..well make that 204! So 1380 (10 calorie drink mix) -204 gives me 1011!!!!!  Oye vay-I literally lost control. Had 2 cups of camomile tea, and soon to be green tea.
Weight:128.6

Just an fyi for the next one to two days I will be a-wall. I will update as soon as I can:)
~Q

30 Day Challenge (Day 2)

Day Two-"I'm going to prove you wrong because I know I can lose weight and still be healthy." Intake: 1 green tea (0 calories) 1 large coffee (35 calories) PLANNED for DAY- 1 packet oatmeal (160 calories) 1 apple (77), 1 peach (61), 7 carrots (35), 1 medium tomato (35) and a pasta mix. ( Pea's, tuna, Miracle whip and pasta) 400-600 calories...

Exercise: 1 hour housework, 2.0 mile walk, 2.0 mile = 178+120+78=376.

Well it's a little after midnight almost one in the morning and I feel unsettled- I feel like a waste of space small lifer and like I am off little value.

.....well it's late and my previous post was accidentally deleted! I'll talk in the afternoon.
Weight: 128.8!

Okay so it's not the afternoon but around lunch. Man did I have a hard time falling asleep with an empty stomach. It took about two hours. I am tired but I'm also glad that my resolve seems to be getting stronger. It helps to see other people progress. Still no job, and getting very anxious. Something has to work out right? I should be getting s license soon and then I can do whatever I want. Freedom is nice-although it shouldn't come at the cost of my mental health. I must say that it amazes me any weight is coming off-2lbs exactly in one day! Ahhh-well I have to stay focused I guess, no late night munches..etc.

bb later tonight!

Got back from my run/walk. I had the last half of my meal. I really don't know how many calories were in the pasta, my guess is I had 300 plus calories. Ehh, I'm not gonna sweat it to much I guess. I added 1bsp of peanut butter to the apple (200). and I'm on my second cup of green tea. I want to eat the whole house....but it will have to wait until breakfast/lunch tomorrow!
Okay. So I'm human. I ended up eating more pasta salad stuff then I thought I would and had three and a half whole wheat, butter substitute cookies at about 10:30 p.m. It sucks I'm alone in this as my bf doesn't care about his weight-or being overweight. I also though in my defense had 4 large glasses of water after the four I previously had earlier in the day. For preventative measures I threw the rest of what I made out along with quite a few cookies. It wouldn't surprise me if I gained weight because of this-I might go for an early morning walk just so I can boost my chances. Hoping for 127.8....probably going to see 131 flat.

well night all-the next post will be coming very soon!
~Q

30-Day Challenge (Day 1)

Okay so you might be asking 30 days to what and what kind of challenge am I talking about. In 30 days I want to drop 15lbs. So I will begin with what each entry citing what I ate, how much exercise I did, the challenges of the day, my energy level and possibly some more stuff as the days progress.

Day One-The "I have had enough, have to get off my ass and do something about it because if I don't then I never will."

  Intake: 1 cup lactose free milk (110), Strawberry Hersey sauce (100), raw cookie dough (?) 1 cup of peas  salt and pepper-olive oil(180), 8 whole wheat, butter substitute, sugar cookies(640?),  Pasta mix (350)= 1380-488= 892 so far...4 large classes water.

   Exercise: 1 hour housework, 2.3 mile walk, 2.3 mile run= 488 burned.


Woke up with a headache. I usually eat well into the night and last night I had liquids instead of food. I don't know whether my headache was from dehydration, an actual need for food or if it is a withdrawal symptom as it stands I've been 5-6 days without vitamins. I'm feeling a little ill and just kind off tired. After I drank some green tea last night before the milk my stomach went sour.  After exercise we'll see...so the run was definitely tough on my stomach....but I made it16 whole minutes. So my total for the day is under 1000, and ends at 892 or if y'all like round numbers 900. Almost 100 over. 


Weight: 130.8
It's 7 minutes to 11 and I just have the urge to grab a bunch of crap eat it and then purge. I don't normally stop eating until right about now and the only way I've managed to gain a huge amount of weight is through exercise. I am worried that the only job I'll end up with is the one I mentioned (McDicks). It's looking more and more likely. I've had so far two teas and soon some coffee with 70 cals of creamer-@ midnight.