If you knew me

When I write I often write in short sentences or in poem like pros. It enables me to write down what I'm thinking faster and in a way that leaves my soul purged of it's deepest thoughts and concerns. I've had a lot on my mind lately and I just need to unwind for a bit.

I can't deny anymore that you've passed away, I'm angry and I don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to say goodbye, because I'm afraid I'll forget you.
I keep picturing you in the craziest way, your not whole and that bothers me.
I wanted to be with you, and I know I can't be with you now, Where are you?!
Work is not enough of a distraction for me, I'm not distracted enough at this point.
I wonder what it would be like to just stop eating for a month.
I want to waste away so I can truly feel your pain,
If I thought the guilt, the pain, and the emptiness was going to get better with your passing I couldn't have been more wrong. 
I'm in a nightmare in which I will never wake from, the before and the after are just that.
I'm not sure what I believe at this point-miracles are a stretch for my heart.
If it is true that God doesn't give any one person more then they can handle why does it feel like I've been given so much.
I'm physically here but I'm not emotionally here-in that I feel so distanced from those around me.
I want to want to live and right now it's harder then ever to do so.
I wish that when I tried to speak about what I'm actually feeling I wasn't shut down.
No amount of work-No amount of distraction is going to bring back what is marked now as the past.
I used to be good at avoiding my emotions and putting them in a box-I broke down at work.
I'm tired and I just don't care about the things I used to care about.
I'm taking a lot of vitamins and it doesn't matter.

If

It seems like a lot of my decisions lately hinge on an if. If I spend this money here I can't spend it there. I'm so damn indecisive. If I take an extra laxative then I'll be sick all day today and wont eat much but I can't afford to do that with a 4-5 hour car ride. It's driving me a little nuts. I feel like I'm inside of a fat suite and it really is all my fault. I have to step on the scale so I know how much I weigh, but I know I'm not going to like the number. 137.2 and I don't like the number, although I thought it'd be something like 145 so I'm a little relieved. Is it even possible to get to 120? My body's making it seriously seem pretty close to impossible. 17lbs! Can I loose that much in two months? a month?
I'm in need of some new thinspo :)

Epic fail

I don't want to step on the scale, because the number would probably scare me. I hate feeling tired and I hate exercising. I hate my job, and I hate how time doesn't stop for anyone or any thing. I feel stressed out and wish I could completely chill myself out. I've built up a tolerance to the vitamins and can't purge. I fit into a size 12 dress which is two sizes away from a 14! Fuck! So somethings definitely need  to change! This week work is going to be crazy!

Suspect behavior

People are not dumb or at least the ones that are close and care about you. I'm loosing myself in the ones around me and just trying to make them happy when I'm not. I've used food for the last couple of months to console me and it's what I feared would happen with the passing of my brother. Isn't that sick?
I work at 11 and leave at 8, and usually only get an ice coffee....well on my 30 min. break-and have yet to loose any weight. Gr..!

Vitamins

It wasn't always the way it is now, by this I mean what the point of this blog is all about. I remember when life as I knew it was better, but isn't that how we all see it. No one knew my secret, no one knew the real reason why I was blacking out or what I was doing in my bedroom. I had a routine, I had a way of dealing with things. I put everything that hurt, everything that was troubling me in a box that was always out of the way. I put my heart into running and that was it. The following are just experiences I remember that have stuck with me and have to do with some level of addiction.

Wisdom Teeth

I remember feeling so much anxiety the day my wisdom teeth were pulled and then I was knocked out. To make a long story short I had an IV and after counting to 10 I was out. I woke up a while later in recovery and felt wonderful until the medicine started warring off. Later that week I ran the best 800 meter dash of my life; 2:52 with the assistance of pain killers.

Comments

I remember the coach's comment clearly and wonder how I could be so impressionable at 17. I loved track and field because it took me away from what I couldn't run away from. It was a safe place and I belonged. He stated that if I lost 10-15lbs I could be faster. I was crushed but I also took that to mean I was obese when in reality I was within a healthy range. There were no sit at the table rules so I would take dinner into my bedroom and throw half of it out, and run the shower and purge. One of the last times I did this was with ipecac syrup and I though I was going to die. I did this until I weighed in at 113.

When I was younger I remember feeling invincible and even though I'm not that old I feel like those days are long gone. I feel tired of putting my feelings in a box and hiding them away. I know that this vitamin thing is an addiction and it's something that could do some harm but it doesn't matter I guess. I guess my work place and the stress I felt can be to blame for picking up such a destructive habit. I wonder what they call this? 

<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning

Life as I know it.

It's the things that we are the most afraid of that make us all stronger. I have days were nothing matters and other days when everything matters. I cried at work and was a bit sad at work and hid it well. I wish that someone would have asked if I was alright but they didn't. Lately the only thing I've wanted is alcohol to make me forget the time I felt like I lost with my brother. And I was dangerously close to getting a bottle of Jack Daniels but I didn't. I'm working on getting some vitamins again which probably isn't such a good idea, but I need them. They relieved my stress level a lot. My weight is getting ridiculous and I really need to keep up with it. I'm so tired when I get out of work that I usually eat dinner and zonk out.
So this next part might sound ridiculous but I have the best thinspo ever at work. I've never really said anything about it to anyone before but thus far she's the reason I don't eat the fast food when I'm working. I've been ordering coffee. I'm going to throw some shit out of the house-because comfort food SUCKS.
A kind of to do list is definitely an order:
1. One-a-day vitamins, weight smart or energy-get used to the nauseous feeling again.
2. Take the vitamins with liquid based food and not starch based food.
3. The feeling normally lasts for 30-45 min before anything happens.
I hope I feel a little better when I get them on Friday.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning.

Loneliness makes me want to cut..

I feel like some things have changed, but not enough to create an attitude change.
I'm distracted, but it's not enough-it's hard to not focus on the one thing that's staring me in the face.
This phase of denial seems limitless-I just want to go back to how my life was before- I was morning someone very dear to me that wasn't dead.
The very word dead is distancing to me. How do you avoid feeling anything for years when it feels like you've felt everything. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore.
I feel like it should have been me. What do I have to offer the world?
My mind and my heart are not in sync- I just want to cry when I come home from work-some people don't know how good they have it.
All I have are memories and that's not good enough for me. I want to see my brother so much it hurts.
I've been emotionally eating a lot and it's starting to show-all this stress isn't helping.
Is alright to just want to scream sometimes are just be so angry you just want to drink?
I don't have any place to put what feels like the weight of the world down..
I want to just bleed really-I have too many scars though and have run out of explanations.
Anything I've ever felt just doesn't match the misery of feeling empty.
The world moves on and some people skip grief entirely-at least that's the way it feels.
I'm in a fog and I can only pretend things are completely fine for so long. My heads still in the clouds two months later.
Maybe I just honestly don't care what the world thinks anymore.
I was always afraid of what would happen to me after my brothers passing and it wasn't anything I didn't expect-I fell apart....
I just want to drink and drink and drink and then cry, cry, cry.
I can sum it up to this-I want to die but I don't want to die-I just wanted to go home and I didn't in time.
<3 NeverEndingAlwaysBeginning.