It's at this point that I either usually binge after calling my SO. As of late my significant other however has been pissing me off and as my coping mechanism I've been throwing large amounts of food out. Tonight was was I've deemed a last supper. Yes today was Easter and as my SO implies holidays like that are for kids and not important religious wise or manufacturing wise. I'm going to do the tossing out of some more food in the hope that I wont have to be "forced" to eat it. Tomorrow is my significant others day off and I'm going to be at school most of the day so I'm going to try and not bring dinner "up". I have to make it so I can always do something to it I suppose. I have to be extra careful at this point because of two things. I've been wearing loads of clothes and I have new scares.
I feel a sadness welling up in my soul and a pain in my heart
I want to be left alone for a while with my thoughts
It's really painful for me to talk about death, but I have to do it
I feel like an empty shell just going through the motions
My school mind then usually gives rise to panic. I feel like some people can see right through me and it terrifies me. I haven't got the time to let what haunts me haunt me with the amount of work I have due this week. Wow this post is completely discombobulated and probably in some places contradictory. But anyway I digress with a plan!
I'm going to go to the gym this week all seven days-my goal for the week is to drop 5lbs.
It's so hard to pretend that everything's okay all of the time. I got some disheartening news recently and the only way I continue to bear it is by writing. I have years worth of suffering bottled up inside and it's been consuming me lately. I want to die because of it sometimes and I want my loved ones to know that they should never feel as alone as I do at times. I wish there was a way that I could convey that; at the moment the only way I can is through meticulous articulation of words.
Sometimes I have so much to write and other times I can hardly write. It feels like the weight of the world is getting heavier and I have two choices: To run from the pain or to keep being strong. Both choices suck.
I had a conversation with my significant other (SO) the other night that got me thinking- My SO asked me "What is the difference between a distraction and laziness". It was clear that the definition of both words were the same and that I clearly think say house work is more important then schoolwork. What my SO doesn't get is that numbing pain can be done is several ways; through avoidance, through self infliction, and through whatever means a person deems necessary. My major is Psychology and it is stressful-housework is a way for me to get away from A. the stress B. the emotions I cant avoid.
I can't avoid the following feelings; ANGER, HATE, RAGE, JEALOUSLY, GUILT, SADNESS, DISAPPOINTMENT, HURT, RESENTMENT, FEAR, HOPELESSNESS, EMPTINESS, REJECTION. The feeling that feels the worst is GUILT, for feeling JEALOUS.
I'm going to end this post with a few hopeful things because even though I feel like it's hard to pretend everything's alright all of the time-I do my best to at least try.
Here's a video by Lady Antebellum. It's entitled Never Alone.
Here is a quote from the book entitled Messenger: The Legacy of Mattie J. T. Stepanek and Heartsongs
I need a hope...a new hope.
A hope that reaches for the stars....
A hope that inspires me to live, and
To make all these things happen,
So that the whole world can have
A new hope too.
Here another video that I can relate too. It's entitled Under My Skin
and Here is one last video who's lyrics have become quite familiar to me
It's come to my attention that I no longer have to attend track practice and that my internship will be ending on Wed. All that is left is past due work, presentations, and final exams. I have promised myself that this summer is going to be different and failed each year. I have been binging for a week nearly and it literally is unacceptable. I've gotten through the days better this way, but when I'm alone the stories different. Some people in my life seem to think that depression is either a joke or an excuse to not get things done. I sometimes feel like I'm living on a completely different planet. I've cut several times within the month of April and now have numerous scares, with no answers for them other then I don't know how that happened? If I actually get through everything this semester I will be amazed. I'm going to fast off this weekend into Tuesday and try to literally not breakdown. It's so scary sometimes not to say what is on the tip of my tongue-like oh by the way sometimes I wish I could just take a bottle of pills and know that I'm not going to die because sometimes I just feel dead inside.
You are nothing without me, I will make you beautiful, I will be your best friend. If you don't eat today, the hunger pains will be well worth your suffering-for thin is what beauty is all about. When you choose to eat, you are only thinking of yourself, you will surely loose the only best friend in the world who knows what is truly good for you. I know you'll be back and when you do come back, expect to suffer-I will force you to bleed and for that you only have yourself to blame. None-the-less when you do come back, the hunger pains, dizziness, and blackouts will return [remember thin is what beauty is all about] welcome them and do not be afraid. I am what makes you, beautifies you, will always be there for you. Food will NEVER do what I can do-so the next time you want to eat remember how ugly and insecure you are.
<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining
[Ana Control Me]
I will be thin, at all costs. It is the most important thing; nothing else matters.
I must weigh myself, first thing, every morning, and keep that number in mind throughout the remainder of that day. Should that number be greater than it was the day before, I must fast that entire day.
I shall not be tempted by the enemy (food), and I shall not give into temptation should it arise. Should I be in such a weakened state and I should cave, I will feel guilty and punish myself accordingly, for I have failed her.
<3AnA BoNeS
[Letter to Ana]
Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each week with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.
It's not being strong enough
It's feeling like I'm going to cry and then crying
It's saying I'm not going to eat and eating
It's saying no to everything I've always wanted and yes to sabotage
It's ignoring that voice that tells me I'm ugly and listening to the voice that says I'm beautiful.
I can't stop-I wont stop-I want it to hurt
It's going to have to kill me
I just want to be PERFECT
I want to see 113 again
Will I ever?
I am!
So I haven't been on in two days I believe? I've had what I would consider a bad start to the week for many reasons, but the two main reasons are: I feel week and ultimately hiding this from friends has been challanging. I have a lot of stressful events going on school wise, and I seriously almost lost it the other day; on Monday.
I know what my ultimate goal is, and it's to reach 113lbs. I'd like to attain it in 2 months.
I feel as if my quote on quote pain is nothing compared to the suffering of my brother. My brother whom I've not mentioned until now has a terminal illness. When I think about eating-I feel guilty. In 2006 or 2005 I had widdled myself down from the 130's to 113;during this process my brother noticed while, my mother was oblivious.He was the only one in my family that caught on.
But I digress. I'm a bonified avoider, with things that scare me or cause me discomfort. When someone you love is dieing and you can't stop it, it tears you up inside. People deal with it differently, and I honestly believe that this is the only way I can deal with it at the moment-by just putting my fork down-and taking a truely introspective look at where my life is, what my life is going to be, and how I'm going to live it.
I digress yet again, today I had 820 calories. A pretty bad day on the grading scale. Okay so I have a story from earlier today. I'm part of a track club and prior to the track club actually running there's a little time to talk and chit chat about the day. Well first there's quite a few guys on the club, but I don't know all of them. One of them is taking a nutrition class-and he had mentioned the athlete triad. While some how the word amenorria ended up in the conversation, and aparently none of the other girls knew what it meant. I-the "smart" one knew what it was an was like-it's a cesation of the menstral cycle or the disruption of one. After I answered it, I wished I hadn't.....This person has seen my scars from self harming-and I again the "smart" one when he asked if I had, had surgery said no. I hope he's not on to me.....
I always try to post a picture of someone whom I think is beautifully restless at the end with the exception of my poem like writing, so here are some.
I love this picture-Her porcelin skin is so beautiful.
These later too-I like because they show different parts of the body that I want to be similar.
