A Plan

Monday

Goal 800 calories

No Coffee and Creamer, Only tea

 (The caffeine drop off is going to be so HARD)

Dinner

"Forced food"

Corn w/salt & butter and large chicken w/lemon pepper crumbs

[111+270]

Possible ideas

Breakfast

20 cal fiber drink

100 cal of Soy Milk w/ Raisin Bran 190 cal

Lunch

A bell pepper 50 cal

Carrots 35 cal

so....

Grams of fat= 32 g

 Grams of Protein=34 g

Carbs=101Carbs

390+310+50+35= 786

so....

30 min exercise

This time I am not going to appear down or "loose" it.

I literally am going to be a library nerd for the next two weeks!

So...if I were to keep this up for 5 weeks which am going too I could weigh 129.6!!!!!! 

So Goal date of May 15!

Okay so I know I can do this!!!!!I will do this!!!!

The pictures below are just helpful reminders when I feel like I might "Loose It."

So when this summer I go on a vacation I can actually undress and not feel ashamed by fat

 

 <3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning

The same time of night; 11 p.m.

It's at this point that I either usually binge after calling my SO. As of late my significant other however has been pissing me off and as my coping mechanism I've been throwing large amounts of food out. Tonight was was I've deemed a last supper. Yes today was Easter and as my SO implies holidays like that are for kids and not important religious wise or manufacturing wise. I'm going to do the tossing out of some more food in the hope that I wont have to be "forced" to eat it. Tomorrow is my significant others day off and I'm going to be at school most of the day so I'm going to try and not bring dinner "up". I have to make it so I can always do something to it I suppose. I have to be extra careful at this point because of two things. I've been wearing loads of clothes and I have new scares.

I feel a sadness welling up in my soul and a pain in my heart
I want to be left alone for a while with my thoughts
It's really painful for me to talk about death, but I have to do it
I feel like an empty shell just going through the motions

My school mind then usually gives rise to panic. I feel like some people can see right through me and it terrifies me. I haven't got the time to let what haunts me haunt me with the amount of work I have due this week. Wow this post is completely discombobulated and probably in some places contradictory. But anyway I digress with a plan!

I'm going to go to the gym this week all seven days-my goal for the week is to drop 5lbs.

Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Low

It's so hard to pretend that everything's okay all of the time. I got some disheartening news recently and the only way I continue to bear it is by writing. I have years worth of suffering bottled up inside and it's been  consuming me lately. I want to die because of it sometimes and I want my loved ones to know that they should never feel as alone as I do at times.  I wish there was a way that I could convey that; at the moment the only way I can is through meticulous articulation of words.

Sometimes I have so much to write and other times I can hardly write. It feels like the weight of the world is getting heavier and I have two choices: To run from the pain or to keep being strong. Both choices suck.

I had a conversation with my significant other (SO) the other night that got me thinking- My SO asked me "What is the difference between a distraction and laziness". It was clear that the definition of both words were the same and that I clearly think say house work is more important then schoolwork. What my SO doesn't get is that numbing pain can be done is several ways; through avoidance, through self infliction, and through whatever means a person deems necessary. My major is Psychology and it is stressful-housework is a way for me to get away from A. the stress B. the emotions I cant avoid.

I can't avoid the following feelings; ANGER, HATE, RAGE, JEALOUSLY, GUILT, SADNESS, DISAPPOINTMENT, HURT, RESENTMENT, FEAR, HOPELESSNESS, EMPTINESS, REJECTION. The feeling that feels the worst is GUILT, for feeling JEALOUS.

I'm going to end this post with a few hopeful things because even though I feel like it's hard to pretend everything's alright all of the time-I do my best to at least try.

Here's a video by Lady Antebellum. It's entitled Never Alone.

Here is a quote from the book entitled Messenger: The Legacy of Mattie J. T. Stepanek and Heartsongs

I need a hope...a new hope.

A hope that reaches for the stars....

A hope that inspires me to live, and

To make all these things happen, 

So that the whole world can have

A new hope too.

Here another video that I can relate too. It's entitled Under My Skin

and Here is one last video who's lyrics have become quite familiar to me

 

<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining

The Long Haul

It's come to my attention that I no longer have to attend track practice and that my internship will be ending on Wed. All that is left is past due work, presentations, and final exams. I have promised myself that this summer is going to be different and failed each year. I have been binging for a week nearly and it literally is unacceptable. I've gotten through the days better this way, but when I'm alone the stories different. Some people in my life seem to think that depression is either a joke or an excuse to not get things done. I sometimes feel like I'm living on a completely different planet. I've cut several times within the month of April and now have numerous scares, with no answers for them other then I don't know how that happened? If I actually get through everything this semester I will be amazed. I'm going to fast off this weekend into Tuesday and try to literally not breakdown. It's so scary sometimes not to say what is on the tip of my tongue-like oh by the way sometimes I wish I could just take a bottle of pills and know that I'm not going to die because sometimes I just feel dead inside.

Promises

[Ana Save Me]

You are nothing without me, I will make you beautiful, I will be your best friend. If you don't eat today, the hunger pains will be well worth your suffering-for thin is what beauty is all about. When you choose to eat, you are only thinking of yourself, you will surely loose the only best friend in the world who knows what is truly good for you. I know you'll be back and when you do come back, expect to suffer-I will force you to bleed and for that you only have yourself to blame. None-the-less when you do come back, the hunger pains, dizziness, and blackouts will return [remember thin is what beauty is all about] welcome them and do not be afraid. I am what makes you, beautifies you, will always be there for you. Food will NEVER do what I can do-so the next time you want to eat remember how ugly and insecure you are.

<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining

[Ana Control Me]

I will be thin, at all costs. It is the most important thing; nothing else matters.

I must weigh myself, first thing, every morning, and keep that number in mind throughout the remainder of that day. Should that number be greater than it was the day before, I must fast that entire day. 

I shall not be tempted by the enemy (food), and I shall not give into temptation should it arise. Should I be in such a weakened state and I should cave, I will feel guilty and punish myself accordingly, for I have failed her. 

<3AnA BoNeS

[Letter to Ana]

Today, I renew our friendship and resolve to be faithful to you year long, life long. I begin each week with a 3 day fast in honor of you. If you give me the strength to fade away I will love you and worship you forever.

<3Neverendingalwaysbegining

Feeling Weak....

It's not being strong enough
It's feeling like I'm going to cry and then crying
It's saying I'm not going to eat and eating
It's saying no to everything I've always wanted and yes to sabotage

It's ignoring that voice that tells me I'm ugly and listening to the voice that says I'm beautiful.
I can't stop-I wont stop-I want it to hurt
It's going to have to kill me
I just want to be PERFECT
I want to see 113 again
Will I ever?
I am!

Depression Land-Sadness

I'm angry, I'm resentful, I'm bitter

I'm full of an undesirable rage that is slowly consuming me

It's a sadness that I willow in everyday, a confusion that leaves me lost and breathless.

Why don't you see, why aren't you listening?

It is silently killing me and only you can save me!

I'm scared, I have impulses-and this is not just a phase.

I'm supposed to be starving and I ate-I ate, TOO FUCKING MUCH!

She tells me, I'm worthless, I'm worthless

He tells me, I deserve to bleed-not even the cuts are enough anymore

They [Ana & Ed] tell me I ate far to much-tonight I threw out what makes me fat.

I have to hang on to my image-I am strong and very little bothers me.

My brothers dying,

My mothers crying,

and I am the strong one.

God I need your Help! Because I can't do this alone anymore.

This content is from youtube, I don't own anything

<3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning

Frustrated

So I haven't been on in two days I believe? I've had what I would consider a bad start to the week for many reasons, but the two main reasons are: I feel week and ultimately hiding this from friends has been challanging. I have a lot of stressful events going on school wise, and I seriously almost lost it the other day; on Monday.

I know what my ultimate goal is, and it's to reach 113lbs. I'd like to attain it in 2 months.

I feel as if my quote on quote pain is nothing compared to the suffering of my brother. My brother whom I've not mentioned until now has a terminal illness. When I think about eating-I feel guilty. In 2006 or 2005 I had widdled myself down from the 130's to 113;during this process my brother noticed while, my mother was oblivious.He was the only one in my family that caught on.

But I digress. I'm a bonified avoider, with things that scare me or cause me discomfort. When someone you love is dieing and you can't stop it, it tears you up inside. People deal with it differently, and I honestly believe that this is the only way I can deal with it at the moment-by just putting my fork down-and taking a truely introspective look at where my life is, what my life is going to be, and how I'm going to live it.

I digress yet again, today I had 820 calories. A pretty bad day on the grading scale. Okay so I have a story from earlier today. I'm part of a track club and prior to the track club actually running there's a little time to talk and chit chat about the day. Well first there's quite a few guys on the club, but I don't know all of them. One of them is taking a nutrition class-and he had mentioned the athlete triad. While some how the word amenorria ended up in the conversation, and aparently none of the other girls knew what it meant. I-the "smart" one knew what it was an was like-it's a cesation of the menstral cycle or the disruption of one. After I answered it, I wished I hadn't.....This person has seen my scars from self harming-and I again the "smart" one when he asked if I had, had surgery said no. I hope he's not on to me.....

I always try to post a picture of someone whom I think is beautifully restless at the end with the exception of my poem like writing, so here  are some.

 I love this picture-Her porcelin skin is so beautiful. 



These later too-I like because they show different parts of the body that I want to be similar.

<3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning

Disapointment

I can feel the rage deep within me,
It's got a grip on my ever-growing frailty,
It's pushing me further inside myself
I can feel it eating at my weakness,
I am propelled to hate.

It's a void, it's a silent hurt, that's killing me.
Are you proud of me? Am I who you thought I'd be?
I can see it in your eyes, I'm just another stray for the salvation army,
I am a disappointment, who knew...

It's only a matter of time until I spiral-spiral out of control
When will the cuts cut deep enough, bleed enough?
When will the starving show how bone deep words cut?
I'm slowly healing, I'm slowly dying

I want to show you how real this is for me.
I'm screaming from within-please save me,
I don't want to be a disappointment..

[Ana Save Me]
You are nothing without me, I will make you beautiful, I will be your best friend.
If you don't eat today, the hunger pains will be well worth your suffering-for thin is what beauty is all about.
When you choose to eat, you are only thinking of yourself, you will surely loose the only best friend in the world who knows what is truly good for you.
I know you'll be back and when you do come back, expect to suffer-I will force you to bleed and for that you only have yourself to blame.
None-the-less when you do come back, the hunger pains, dizziness, and blackouts will return [remember thin is what beauty is all about] welcome them and do not be afraid.
I am what makes you, beautifies you, will always be there for you.
Food will NEVER do what I can do-so the next time you want to eat remember how ugly and insecure you are.

Fuck!

So today was a long day-I avoided eating for.....wait for it 21 hours! Argh. I binged on:

1 Garlic fries                (11)                 Serv. Size (17)
Corn flakes                [1 cup]              Serv. Size (1 cup)
Small piece of ham     [2 tbsp]             Serv. Size (?)

Bread                        [1 slice]             Serv. Size [1 slice]

Cantaloupe                 [1 cup]              Serv. Sizw (1 cup)

For a fucking grand total of ......110+160+110+120+53= 453

It's a B on my grading scale-tommarow's back to school..so the whole day will consist of veggies and possibly a large coffee. The end of week goal is 135.

This is not beautiful

Nor is it of me

But its what

I feel

Like

I want to look like an Angel

Lighter then air

this is what

I wish was

me

Both images found on I <3 it.com [They are not mine.]

<3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning

The In between

It was a restless night.
Breathing in and out, tossing and turning.
A rejection of sorts, a warning,
Am I strong enough?

In the in between, I could feel a little bit of my body dying.
Is this where I want to be, or is this all a dream?
Bit by bit, I will lose whatever I can.
I'm in no mans land
In between, what is real and what isn't.

I didn't sleep well last night, as I tried not to think about the coming week-a long week of school and running. It's just pure organized choas-papers and presentations are due-my internship is finishing [finally] and quite a few decisions have to be made. I'm drowning in an ocean of expectations and I need help.

Monday- 200 calories Tuesday- 800 Wednesday-0 Thursday-200 Friday-800 Saturday-0 Sunday-200

Can I do this? I think I can-but I def have to prepare ahead of time :)

<3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning 

Signs Oh My

What keeps me Motivated [Ana Style]

It's amazing how easily/not so easily this can be done.

It's like a light switch [on/off] [on/off] ; Control=Don't eat.

 I'm fading-but not fast enough. I have a secret and it might kill me.

I wish i could see what they all see, but I don't. I'm not skinny enough-even if I'm empty.

I will just keep trying till, well till I can't anymore.

200-800-0

 I will look like her someday. I'm not going to be that "Role-Poley Girl"  forever. She's beautiful here, and maybe just maybe I'll be too.

 This was taken of me awhile back-I'm hopelessly sucking it in [EPIC FAILURE].

I wish I hadn't stopped, I was at 113 and scared, the only shame I feel now is letting go of that dream; the dream where I was skinny and beautiful. Now I know skinny is possible and so what if I throw food away, take too many vitamins, and eat like a bird-in the end it will all just benefit me, my body. An episode of Skins comes to mind-"when I didn't eat, I held all the power and the ones who loved me were the ones being controlled." I want that power.

If this is what my refrigerator looked like every time I opened it-the urge to binge would be gone.

I always thought that I had to be a pretty good liar, turns out I don't have to be-I just have to have a few tricks up my sleeve. And oh I do [the best one yet is throwing food out...]

[all of these pictures are found on Google.com]

<3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning

 



800 cal disaster

Ok. I have myself to blame-I think. I knew that A) after i made food I wasn't going to stop eating  B) I didn't have a set plan [it's chaos with the fiance around] C) Sweets suck-I'm not even a cookie eating person anymore!

I'm slowly loosing but non the less losing-I went from 147-my highest ever to 141-138 today-I'm don't have the bf to bother me-so my goal is to not eat at all tomorrow-and just continue the 200-800-0 routine for a little under a month. I'm not sure what the total loss will be yet but, I'm guessing I will have lost maybe 3lbs this week [hard week-but a vacation week!].

On second thought, wow-what am I making excuses for? Slowly losing weight? This week I have no excuses, I should be up at school and wont be around food. That's even lame though too!
I'm going to make myself the following promises:

1. Because I can control what I eat, I will control what I eat
2. I need to stay distracted-"get my head down".

I can feel myself getting ill so hopefully I can make it through. I have way to much hw to start so I better get started. I'd like to get this out off my system first though. I don't want to do my hw, I don't really want anything to do with school anymore, but I'm not a quieter and it's costing me money! I need to seriously "get my head down" because the teachers can't make me do the work, only I can!

My Beautifully Restless thinspo for tomorrow :
So a little bf/a

  

Hillary Duff

<3 Her!

[all of these pictures are found on Google.com]

<3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning

Depression Land..

It feels like I'm stuck in a rut.
Like I'm frozen in time,
I know I need to wake up.
But it's still winter in New England,
At least it still feels like it-I know it's April,

I'm looking outside the window.
Just yearning to go outside,
I can't bear too-my ultimate thinspo lies in wait.
She's so beautifully restless, and I feel like she knows,
I'm trying to hide it, but I feel like she knows,

I'm afraid to fail, but to tired to do the work,
How long must it drag on, before I stop,
Stop caring, stop eating, just stop!

I'm afraid to die, but the pain of life is so deep,
It's as if starving, overdoesing and bleeding aren't enough,
I know I'm not the only one that suffers in silence,

I can't stop now though, I wont stop,
I've come so far-or has coming so far the reason I'm tired,
I will starve, overdose, and bleed till I get what I want.
The ultimate-for someone to want me to be there ultimate

This is depression land, thoughts that are always there; some are completely crazy
I can think them, but never say them.

It's always at midnight [Dammit]

I am not proud to say that when I make food for other people that I can just not eat it. Last night around 10:30 I started making Shepards Pie. The whole process takes about an hour, and then the whole things put into the oven for 20 min. I made it and just pigged out on the potatoe part of it, and then had a hudge peice of it. I made it to 11 I think and I just ate- I'd been really good for the whole day- God I shouldn't be eating anything at all-I'm not exercising, so I dont NEED food, let alonge DESERVE it. So tonight an hour before fucking midnight I ate cantelope, potatoes, and shepards pie [meat, corn, potatoes].

It's not 3 am yet, but it's going to be-my fiance has the day off today and it's going to be a real test of wills and silent power. I'm supposed to go to the movies have some junk of sort and pretend the oblivian I always feel like I'm in lately is passed.

Honestly Monday morning I have to talk to a councilor- I don't even know what to say now-I let slip that I almost commited suicide. It's really complicated, but when someone who's supposed to love you says something so terrible that you can't take-death does feel better then hate. The concilor thinks I might be depressed-dah I could have told you that-but I can't let on that there are specific reasons why [Ana] wise...I know the rules for when someone legally has to be commited. I don't want to put my family or fiance through that.
I am dedicated to currently 121 [my weight is 139 currently] No idea what it'll be when I get back later tonight. I have to skip lunch-and think of ways to say I'm not hungry in less obvious ways.

There are days where I want to be sick, and I'm going to stick it to the very people that didnt think I was sick when I was [hopefully that makes sense]. And others that stop and think about what it would do/does to people. I am strong enough. I am brave enough, and I will SURVIVE. 

This is someone whom I belive is beautifully restless.

Hillary duff

is

Inspritation!

What I've eaten/will do

Grade System

A-0-400 B-401-600 C-601-800 D 801-1000 F 1001-1200

Today My Meal has consisted of:

2 cups of coffee which has not calories, 4 tbs of creamer

70 calories [I can't drink coffee black, with this creamer I

dont need sugar though] I had 2 cups of cantelope which

is 106 calories and lastly I had benifiber fiber 20 calories

bringing my total to 196 calories.

The fucking night is still young though; it's nearly four in the afternoon and I have to battle the "binge monster". I think that if I can prove to myself that I can do this, then maybe just maybe I can become beautiful again.

Wht's currently aiding me is an appetite supressant too-it actually makes me somewhat ill and helps me avoid food.
<3 Neverendingalwaysbeginning

Okay so...

I'm pretty new at doing this. I swear I can be a lot more creative, but I don't know how to be online. I'm just going to go and do this blog and hopefully stick with it this time. I've read some interesting blogs recently and I have to say that they definitly inspire me. I am in serious need of a wake up call. For two weeks I went on a straight binge, not caring what I ate or how much I ate, this resulted in about a 10lbs gain. I look as if I walked into a fat man suit, I mean really-it's lame 145 at the height of 5ft 3. I was hovering at 135 before the binge, and before that way before that I was 113.
Anyway I jumped on the scale today and I was 139! It's not the best improvement in the world but it's so much better then 145. This depression thing is the reason why I ate my way to 145. I have a really full plate and I have to get through it somehow. Being a fat college student doesn't help. So I'm going to jump right in and post some of my faviorite thinspo. I am on a 200 calorie fast and I can tell you it feels interesting. I feel a little tired, but otherwise then that, my thinking clearer. I don't know what to do with this empty time block.

Here what I'm hoping to look like sooner rather then later. I'm going to give it two weeks. I have this wonderful friend on a site that recommended a 200-800-0 diet. I'm doing the diet this weekend because I fail at fasting. At first if you don't succeed Try Try Again!
<3 Neverendingalwaysbegining.